**caution, caution = displaying depressive/recluse tendencies**

a new day a new emotion

humph

had a visit from the 'rents yesterday. They kept me up snoring all night. Good to see some things never change.

And some things do. I don't want to go out anymore. Displaying much needed recluse tendencies. I feel this age wait. The job pressure. The ache to do good and want to be perfect sneaking up on me. And I decline the invitation to go out, they hardly expected me anyway...

Who am I then? So different? So unconfident? Astranged. I don't want to drink or smoke or socialize. And I am tired and the noise of the constant babble is too much for me to take in without some silence. The girl protected by 4 walls and a door from the constant haunts of the group sound. A girl protected from feeling by a layer of fat she calls her own and her devil.

I can hardly stand to look at myself. That sag of flesh beneath my chin is just hanging, spreading to my cheeks and neck. Stretch marks cover completely what the average teenage girl is proud to show off; arms, legs, stomach chest... I feel so unsexy and all I feel like doing is gorging.

Humph: the word of the moment.

What is left for me to salvage? Salvage of this waste of a life? I feel like I have done nothing. I am thinking about grad school again, but the way my parents just looked at me when I said it. I don't know what I am doing. WHAT?

Anyway. Going back to MN for a bit. RECHARGE IN ORDER. Doc. then taxes. then socializing. Manicure?