ha. the pill./Joseph Cambell always knows how to make my heart lighter.

i am trying to write my thoughts down for real. with ink and paper now. this last period was so damn stessful and my life was one big fucking mess until I got my period at h&r block today. I am hoping the pill helps my depression/anxiety symptoms (and leads me into more sexually challenging situations) ha. the pill.

I lied to my nurse: Are you sexual active? my answer: "not right now" Avoidance is my middle name.

I bought strength training tubes that I may never use. my wieght is now 254. all time high. my nails are a sophisticated "silent mauvie" and my hair still lacks the appropriate dye job.

Here I am again in front of the computer. Where I am always.

In the limbo between the kitchen and insanity, (aka chocolate chip cookies and tuna melts) I made an important discovery. Say it with me:

"I am not happy in my present situation"

(I nicked a nail typing that)

I have for the 4th and most obvious time in my life brought graduate school back into my brain. What this time ? A summer in France? Massage Therapy School? Directing MFA at schools who won't accept you?

No, no no. My thought was so simple it was erie to me. I have always wanted a higher degree, when I was a kid, when I was a teenager I even told my parents that i wanted to be a dr (not of the kind that heals) and then in college I thought of applying right from school. I knew it and I just have to believe it. And believing is the hardest part sometimes.

And what is it with, "I have to go to a good grad school who will get me a job when I graduate" What the fuck? Can't I just go and learn? It is so hard to think about proveing yourself to another group of people.

A doctorate in theater. teacher. artist. scholar. Scholarly studies along with practical production work. I am so ready to go. Living in this mindset for a few days has got me alive with new possiblities. Do I have the stuff to make it through? Am I projecting a smarter person on myself then I am capable of being?

"follow your bliss, the rest will come"

aw, Joseph, you always know what to say.

Perhaps I will go

Perhaps I will not

tonight, I am thankful for good friends far and wide.

And for what 10 minutes of hard laughter did for my stomach muscles and for my soul