i thought it up. Now, I have to live it up

WOAH

it's been so long... I've been trying to live, survive... Unemployment is really, really hard for me. If there isn't anything to do, I do nothing. And therefore, doing nothing, there is nothing to talk about.

I bought condoms today. I decided that I am actually a very sexually charged person, and the mulitplicity of ALL my problems and worries springs from my lack of being able to have sex with another person multiple times a day. So I bought condoms. As a quick fix. But I'm still a virgin. Go figure.

I have gone to some parties, even had some laughs and cigs and beer. But I still feel on the outside of myself and rutterless. But I have begun to wear makeup again and consider myself beautiful and that is taking steps. I even accomplished what I needed to accomplish today (even if the father's day card is going to be late).

But damn it. Tomorrow is just this huge void. I KNOW there are a zillion things that I can do with my time... I just love the emptiness of lying in my room and listening to music or spending the day lost in a book. I waste a lot of time or maybe, just maybe, I am using the time. Just taking up time, when other are running around doing accomplishing things... maybe I am the happy and sane one clearing my mind... or perhaps there is nothing in my mind and that is why I am so anxious. Who cares right?

I like my life this way. When I think about it. Something comes out of being completely discombobulated. Something strong that holds me together.

Emerson's essays are my new reads: and he has persuaded me to talk to myself again, in the form of poetry. I used to write and write and write and it was so special... and it was so good for my soul and then I decided that it wasn't good and stopped. You should never decided that anything you do is no good.

Under what fucking judgement system are well fucking living. (or not fucking as my case may be) There has to be something inside me that is divine, cosmic, special, and a bit of the universal. And the bad becomes different and that becomes the validity. And art my friends, becomes that which you can appreciate.

And I hear the soap box creak and for this evening. I'll just enjoy the stars and the gorgeous night.