curiouser curiouser curiouser

I find myself at home again. My parents sleep 18 with 2 bed rooms. Not bad. My brother got officially engaged yesterday. It's good he's a jewler. the girl got 2 &1/8 carats. Damn. Not so much my style, but fine. It's so nice to see this side of the family. We all like each other... there's some fuck-ups but for the most part, we are a lovely, happy social group.

they brought pictures of me as a teen. I was so skinny compared to myself now. I want to blame someone for not telling me so. I want to scream at M&D for not telling me how beautiful I was with my great curly long hair and skinny muscly legs. I was so unhappy with myself and it just spiraled into that depressive episodes. And what was the cause of all that hatred? Why couldn't I see myself for who I was? It's hard to phathom that now... I can't even imagine how the process happened. Wishing that someone would have stopped my negative downward spiral does nothing for me today.

I guess I regret. And I know I could be just as I once was, but I have a zillion ugly stretch marks to label myself. I might as well have been cutting, there is so much hatred packed into each wrinkly mark.

I feel good. I feel better. I am recovering. It makes me feel good that 1/2 of my family is on wieght watchers. Crazy. I am working out, I feel that my body is moving toward what it was once, what it truly wants to be. I feel that I am completed at the gym. And I am ashamed, somewhat. But i am continuing to stay proud.

And happy. Have to stay above water, no matter how curious it is.

J boy and an upcoming wedding. And an improved self. I have 9 months. I have the rest of my life to live.