thoughts on a simpler life complexity

Today, I'm thankful for a little peace. Lately, I've had enough silence and alone, but not enough of the lovely peace and satisfaction that should come with it.

I was talkin the little bro today, about my job, doing little but work and going out with friends. He says "Well, that's all we do too". Yes. True. And is this it? I ask you, Universe. I want to go to graduate school and there seems just as many reasons not to do it as I have to do it. How much of our daily battle with ourselves is intuition and how much is self-doubt? Will my struggle to search for the ultimate thing to experience and life to lead end there? Am I kidding myself about my own ideas and creative capacity?

Grad applications make me doubt myself. But I see myself in no other place. How long do you suppose my Dyslexia will haunt me? I have noticed a symptom of it deep into my adult life. I use words that are close to each other in pronounciation-but they aren't the right words for the situation. And I don't always catch myself. It's fun to be dumb.

Why does the human ego want so much more than actually exists? If I was someone somewhere else and not raised in such affluence and surrounded by love and art and music and nature would I long for it as I do? Would I have a longing to be my best, be better than I can intellectually?

I feel like a snob, a lot of the time. I was too good for sming I am too good for my "good" jobs. I see my past as building blocks toward what I want to be and do in theatre (without being able to do it) and surpassing. I'm bored where I am.

And why can't I settle down, in one city, in one state, in one job, and one thought. What would my life be like if I lived it simpler (perhaps a commune?) and held a simple job, a nice administrative position where I could work a gentle 9-5 with little comotion, little pain and little effort necessary. I could go home and cook dinner and go to the gym, ending the night with primetime television, the 10pm news and a book for bedtime.(This was my trib job and I was going out of my mind).

I guess I feel the need to increase my intellectual/creative capacity because I have a void in other areas of my life. I have no one at home, not even a pet to take care of. Nobody calls me on a nightly basis to ask how my day was. And that's ok. But feeling this void, feeling it and filling it is a full-time job. And with the lack of personal life (but a desirable amount of hobbies) my job and what I do in the theatre becomes top priority. And trying to do something that will impact others...

I should really volunteer. Again revisited in a quieter moment... I have to be useful, as useful as I can be.