looking for patterns

I've determined the reason I stay in bed so long in the morning: addiction to public radio. This morning it was a complete cd of rufis and then 2 hours of talk radio, including the pledge drive. Who just sits and listens to that? Me. and an hour about bungalows. who listens to this stuff? I'm a renter. No matter what the topic, I am happy as a clam in my bedsheets and pillows. It's sick and wrong. I also slept almost 13 hours.

My microwave dinner had chicken fat in it. Ew. So I'm having instant oatmeal and apples.

I'm not so good at the independant worker thing. I hate calling up people and bugging them about the show. I'm in the middle of about 5 different projects. And I do nothing but what needs to be done for the moment and then I leave. HA!

Bboy told me that I have a kind of a "restless heart". In his overtired and drunken state it seemed to mean something. And to me it meant that he saw me because it was profound, to me. What will become of me if next year I am in a new spot with new people doing something new? And why can't I get a grip on the work thing? Why has life become so mundane for me? Will I ever be able to settle down and do one thing? Or Why would that be the goal? Is that peacefulness I have been searching for out there? Does the thing that holds me down for good, does it exist? Is it an expansive condition of attention deficeit or just a case of restless heart or haven't I found that thing that I know I can be?

looking for patterns, in the monotony, in the chaos...