pontification XI

Last weekend I had 2 responses to my lame-ass-loser-attracting personal ad. One is totally low key and the other wrote me two books already. Neither provokes an enjoyable masterbation session.

Life is really good though. I get up on time - and with my alarm clock. This never used to happen. I can manage my blood sugar. I have energy and enthusiasm. And I talked to another friend about the good old happy pill ills today.

When I tell people about my life, the common response is "that's so neat." "you've done so much, lived places, had great experiences, meet awesome people." yes, yes and yes. But so what. All of those experiences I either labored myself though or use for clever antedotes. Nothing seems real, fleshy, the answer. The past is nothing but past. I've lost in the mix a sort of magic I believed in. A spirit. Perhaps even my soul. I'd move back to algoma to get it back. But everyday as I move toward happiness. As I allow myself to experience it, I catch glimmers.

Perhaps that is all one gets in one lifetime. A glimmer or reflection of what used to be, what is good and what is possible.