"are you just checking out your mojo Or am I just fighting off growing old?"

Everyday I am gaining the radiance I am supposed to through this program, this diet, this recovery. Feeling amazing makes the void where human contact should be feel larger. I am not hungry. I am not even not hungry, at times I feel downright repulsed by food, and although hungry, I don't know what to eat. There is nothing I crave at all. Except water. I drink amost 4 liters a day. Everything tastes better. Things smell better. I don't have heartburn. I want vegetables and workouts. I have lost 10lbs in a month.

Yet do I feel ready to go on a blind date? No. As if being single for so long wasn't a qualifier. Because if I haven't met anyone, I don't deserve to meet anyone. I have got to get over this. The thought that I don't deserve to love. Are they perfect enough? I struggle with this before I have even seen the face because I have almost known perfection. And my vivid imagination leads me there. Always. What if my own imperfections are too much? After all I wouldn't date me. I'm still progressing. Still "working" on my "issues". I'll be fucking working on my issues when they bury me. I'm ok with that... but having to present it to someone who I want so desparately to like me, love me, and love my body is too scary for words. According to my emotional maturity, I would rather be single and sleep alone. But no. I try. I struggle. I hold it all back. I give it all but nothing of it is important. I think I know what he thinks and who he is believing deep inside that it will never work.

I thought of calling jboy last night. But why perpetuate what is already a dream?

Welcome to the world, purplefinch.