resume hard drugs??

Now I am totally panicked cuz the fringe is a week away and I don't have my lines down and they JUST changed the choreography again last night. GRRRR> I had a total breakdown last night. I threw my pompoms down in the middle of rehearsal and exclaimed "FUCK" infront of everyone. The director followed with "well, that's all of that for tonight". Then I told the director that I was just tired and frustrated and wanted to go home. She proceeded in giving me a huge guilt trip about how I got out of rehearsal to go to chicago. Then I went into the hall and cried for a bit and came back to rehearsal.

IT"S just so damn hard to work here all day and then come back at night for a rehearsal and still not be having any fun!!! Ah, not an actor's life for me... this is the very last. And then to top it all off, she told me my character development was "coming along good" well, what character development? I can't do all the fucking things she is asking me to do, talk at the top of my lungs and as fast as I possibly can, and every time we run the scene I feel like she is having me play a different thing. Grr. It's just not for me. AND my scene partner can't stop laughing at me when I am supposed to be serious. Rehearsal is just a wee bit frustrating.

But anyway. And Chicago will be great.

I was thinking of going off my meds. But why? I'm still struggling. These last 2 days have been incredibly bad (w/1/2 pills) and I just got an email from mom saying "I was glad to hear you so up last time we talked to you." Gee good. But up comes and goes away.

I haven't heard from Rachel. I wonder what's up with her. 10 hours and I'll be in Chicago, so far away from this fucking workplace and motherfucking rehearsals.

I don't know what I need anymore. This rehearsal thing has fucked up my schedule. I NEED to workout to be happy. And find another way to cope with the awful job. Maybe it is time to resume heavy drinking??