can you barter for massages?

I've never ever been poor. Big surprise since I have botht the technology and free time to keep an online diary, I know. But my parents are well to do. Not hollywood-hills-microsoft-george-bush-mingling-with-corportations well to do but they have all they want and are happy and have always provided for me.

And sure I am 27 and have the appropiate credit card debt of someone who really has no entrepanuial spirit or cares to balance my check book. Oh and there was that one internship for 75$ a week... Sure I bounced my rent check for the second month in a row. Sigh.

I live month to month. My friends live month to month. I don't have much to spare and spend more. But I'm about to embark on a different world for me. Back to school. And this time I'm paying. And trying to do it full time and work 3 part time jobs. Reality check. No cushy HMO. No Target shopping sprees. No happy drugs. No random midnight pizza. No more amazon. I look around and know that I have more than enough. But I am afraid of a life where I can't go out and buy something. Or that I may not be able to pay my rent or eat my organic blueberries or swim in february at my gym.

It's scary to think ahead. It's selfish to think I can't do it. Perhaps I will finally be closer to my own idealism. Perhaps I will be happier away from the consumerism. Perhaps I will be miserable. But I refuse to accept being miserable because I don't have the money to buy something. I will have to find something to fill the void that was once a pleasure.

I'll have to grow up and be a little less to do.