emotional risks and such

There are false things I believe. Even beyond the pipe dream of jboy. Or the mythological presents of dboy. I believe in the fact that nobody will love me until I have a perfect body. I believe that I am not ready to be loved until I am happy with my body. I believe these things. And yet, what I want is unconditionality. I want someone who doesn't really care. But People care. I care. I do. I want to be idealistic and iconic. I want the beautiful choas of a relationship. But I feel like I might die if I risk putting myself up to that kind of rejection. What has happened to me that I have nothing to lose yet feel as if everything is at stake. As if one word would make my heart burst and a touch, intimacy, would shrink my power and diminish. And isn't it what I want, to diminish the sense of self, into a sense of intimacy? Who the fuck knows. These are only the philosophical murmmerings that surround my heart. What is contained inbetween these lines, in the depths? This is only the bubbling up of what is beneath. Really, I give up. Game over. I need to put myself out there. One the mf line. I have nothing to lose.

I'm making tatter tot hotdish, so life can't be all that bad. And it isn't. Its just sometimes I wonder why I hold it all in. Why I can't be friendly and emotional and take an emotional risk once in a while.

It's time to get off the computer and back to the books.

My friends. Never stop living for one millosecond. xo