sustanance for the moment

sweet sboy is in my head and dreams and thoughts. like ben, he kind of just grews on you. and desire. it is back in a big way. and that I enjoy. it's hard not to have someone to pine over, to be lusting over. to think about their cock. I do think about cocks. I wonder how many women think about cocks as much as me. stealing glances. crossing my own legs with an inner quiver. yes, it's good he's brought me to this state of complete sexual devotion. i would do anything for him now. and nothing.

i tend to act distracted when i am attracted. to be paradoxily uninterested because i am so interested in aches inside. this is the real marrow of life. what you do when sexual desire strikes! and how it touches every inch of you. i wanted to be close to jen just to be close to him. he's intruded. i like it. i can close my eyes and obess.

this is... why i feel i am not going to have a healthy relationship. i feel so much, the sex. even being a virgin. i want so much, perhaps especially being a virgin. and who am i attracted to? no the people that may be good for me. not husband material, whatever that is. and all this dating's got me thinking about the possiblities. if they exist. if i will be a floating, desirious spinster.

perhaps i won't care too much. i love the conflict. that every once in a while i think about how he touched me, so barely, and i am hot and quivery. this is sustanance. this is good.