short list

I've decided that I need to stop watching reality tv shows. Start watching my own life. My life is blissful, but not compared to television lives.

I need a job. This joblessness feels like worthlessness. I don't define myself by the j.o.b. but I have been so successful up until this moment. I haven't really worked for two months. Unbelievable that this could be someone's existance. What do people who perpetually have no job do with their lives??? I wouldn't have a clue. Of course, I could spend money, but it that the means or the ends?

Saw Michelle's baby today. Babies are weird looking. 3 weeks old. Made funny noises. I feel like a 3 yr old first noticing a baby. But I've never been around baby babies. I have no idea what to expect. But he is lovely, of course. I didn't feel any motherhood twinges. Babies are not an option without that love/commitment/relationship thing. This is what baffles me. that thing. Michelle is lucky and isn't. But it is different for us. And the gap may a bit larger... I wonder about this. How old will I be before I will be standing on a rock of my own, in isolation, not out of no love, but out of no one to love me above anything else? Sometimes I am jealous of people who have god. At least, then, they have god.

I don't fear growing old. I fear being alone.