Precipice

Precipice:

Here I am on the edge. The boy likes me. And the me is scared of that. I could walk away from this edge. From the boy. I'm afraid of this edge. Never leaving it, never seeing it again. Falling hard and long and far and shallow and not at all. Afraid of sex. Of no sex. Of not liking him enough. Of liking him too much.

I'm confused. Nothing is clear - and I dislike that. Do I like him? Yes, there is this creapy liking in me. He makes me smile, makes me laugh and I like spending time with him. But the conquest is over. And I think he would vote for bush next election. Shallow much? Well, it's eating at me - tiny differences in personality. Yet he makes me crazy and I want him. But enough? Part of me feels like he's not worth this gift I am about to give him. And just that question is enough to make me want to back away. FAR AWAY - dump his ass and go back to the safety of sleeping alone (and frankly a better night's sleep). But the rebel in me wants to see this through just to see how deep it goes. How comfortable can it get? What kind of feelings will develop from the sex?

I'm not going to tell him about the V status. He thinks I am more experienced than he is. Part of me thinks that he's a virgin too - or at least has had lame or few partners in the past. Thank god his kissing style has improved from our first kiss. Poor boy has things to learn from the virgin girl. He may have a slightly kinky side, which I could exploit and try to develop. Yes, it will definately be a project the two of us - probably perfectly suited for each other. And I have things to learn.

Perhaps he is the best to give the gift too - especially if he doesn't know - or won't know. My deep dark secret. Will I be the emotional basketcase like in the past and dump him if he gets any closer to me? I can't say.

Interesting - in my crushes, I always give them the power. But in all of my relationships, I've always had the upper hand. Interesting.