the night of a million questions

Prepare for major freak out.

That's right. If the boy were to call tonight, I don't even know what I would say to him right now. I feel like there is nothing to say anymore.

I don't know what I am feeling. Distance perhaps. Mistrust. Apathy. Like he doesn't want to hear what I say. Like I don't want to hear what he says. How can things go from like to not like?

I feel on the edge of a cliff. Perhaps the moment is a freak out and will pass. I don't know what I really feel. Scared. He doesn't tell me how he feels and I assume it's bad. I only feel comfortable with him in bed. I only like his skin. I want to pick a fight. I want to force him to listen to me and respond. I want to have a real conversation. I want to give him his cds back and send him back to his boring life before I am any more exposed and idiotic. I feel stiffled, shot down, forced. It's predictable. It's boring. It's painful.

I want pizza luce.

And I have all these things I feel. Sad that he doesn't like me more (or at least he doesn't express it at ALL and don't I deserve to be adored verbally?). Confused. Like I am in too deep yet am just wading. Perhaps he doesn't want more than this shallow dating/sex thing. Perhaps there isn't the big romantic feeling I long for beyond the first few weeks anyway. Does that fade and never return? What's the point then, I have better fantasies without him and trying to connect emotion to it all.

I think I am realizing that he's not someone I should be in a relationship with. But why not? Why was everything so good and then not? Is it me that has changed? Is it the lack of sleep and life anxiety?

Are my expectations too high?

Why do I do this to myself?

His fate may be cinched by the fact that I know he won't call me tonight.

"fine, I'll be fine

I'll just stand here waiting

could it be that it's me

looking back to nowhere."

www.suegeneris.com