existential moment

I am eating the most amazing apricot almond chicken salad from whole foods. yum-o.

and boy news, well. No news may be good news. We may be having an off week. Or maybe it's just my PMS or the fact that I'm detoxing from sugar.

Some days, I just don't recognize myself anymore. I can't remember the things I used to love, what I stand for. I don't know what I want out of my life. And from that emptiness there is incredible potential for something but what the fuck is it? (and why do I think this new thing costs too much!!) Is it waking up next to a guy who I don't fully support/understand? Is that enough for me? So many questions this week. But more so, it's just that I'm having problems filling the void that once was my love for theater. And I feel lost without that one beautiful goal to look forward to.. Who is this new person and what is her role in the world? Having a very existential moment, sorry. I'm sure it's just momentary.

boy wanted a "boy Night" tonight. Ok, fine, it's nice to sleep at home. He called me tonight though, 'you don't have to call me back, I don't feel like talking, nothing is wrong, I just don't feel much like talking." ew. What the fuck is that? the funny thing is... it's honesty - that's what that is... Sometimes I wish he would lie and tell me that he misses me instead. I think I try to stay close to him because if I were to step back I'm afraid the space between us would be too big to cross back over to him --

Anyway. It's nice to have a night to myself and do some "me night" things. Cleaning. Resume work. Reading. GOAL SETTING. I'm really over goal setting - why can't we just live our lives?