And back to a day at a time.

I just wrote this HUGE entry and it was crumbled to bits in internet teeth with the rest of it's html midnight snack.

I am really tired. Really. TIRED. Of life. So much so. I can't even tell you. I am sick again. I feel it all over. The bad mornings. The sick stomach. The urge to purge and starve and kick something and never move a muscle. The anxiety. The self-destruction. The hate.

If I ever get over myself. Over this depression. OVer eating myself into an oblivion. I am going to climb a mountain. Build a house there and treat people well. I am going to be something more than this aging, rotting from the inside out human.

I was just looking over all the faces tonight. All the faces. So calm. Life is calm and just as it is. No second guessing every move, every word, every moment. NO inner turmoil.

I need to get back with a shrink. Shit.

Shit shit.

"I wake scared. I wake up strange. I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to be the same."

It's one. I can't sleep all day, as I did the last 2 nights.

I can't ignore people tomorrow. But their every word is a razor when you are depressed. Every single thing hurts until I just want to turn myself inside out. I even imagined a suicidal moment yesterday. THey don't seem real. Just me and a big bus (perhaps the one I ride in everyday) and this dream of mine. I could never be serious but just the fact that it is back to those thoughts it is a sign to me.

I want to sleep forever. Never get up. I could actually sleep forever. But not tomorrow. I have to pack. I have to find a way to get through tomorrow.