digress, digress, impress, & transition to...

the party last night was every bit expected. I arrived home alone, makeup smeared, 3am, the occasional cough from the occasional smoke, my hair weighing down on my head, the products expired, hadn't drank enough but almost too much of various bodies. THere were about 25 people from college there. It was amazing and disconcerning at the same time. Their house was gorgeous, they threw a wonderful party. It was the kind of party where you turn around and there is a new, friendly person to talk to. And somebody I knew. People who would find me across the room. Friends to share the past with and talk about the future. Surprises... who has made a 360 and who has stayed the same.

I couldn't spend that much time with Jen. I love her, but I am not noticed when I am near her. Everyone looks to her and she is gorgeous. And of course I am jealous! She has that thing that I have wished for my whole life. And everytime I try to get over the beauty thing, and I go home alone with no one to think about, with no one who gave me more attention than anyone else, I digress. I digress when I am around Jen, because people gravitate toward her becuase of this beauty. Like a magnet. And sure I have good things. I think I look good, but what I have is not good enough to compete and competition is the last thing I want to do with someone I love. but my jealousy takes over. And it is overwhelming, because as strong as I am, I am lonely. and alone. and my virginity distances. I digress, i digress.

And I'm attracted to this guy who was a total christian geek in college, who was completely annoying. AND NOW I THINK I COULD HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM. and it's so wrong. But I can't stop thinking about how nice it might be to get him in bed. And see what he could teach me. Mostly, it would be easy to talk to him. And it is. I also thought I might hook up with this guy, a funny guy whose last name is actually "register" how could that be? Why? I asked him. Ok. I met some possiblities last night/this morning.

As busy as I have been, it is keeping me so incredibly happy. I feel loved and SO happy here. I really home that things work out for me here. AH! Dog & Cat and house on the lake here I come!!!

I guess my question to myself now, is what is most important in my life. Re-evaluation to come. Do I really want to focus on aquiring a dependancy on a relationship? Do I need to start having sex to kill the loneliness? Should I wait until I am through this transition period in my life? Why do I keep waiting for my life to settle down in order to start a relationship when I know i will never leave a transition period?

My life is a transition period, from death to life to death again. LIFE is the important part. Living.