thursday morning

I've been up for 2 1/2 hours. The sun shines in these windows so bright, and there are no curtains to hold back morning. And there is no curtains to hold back night time. There is no light here when there is darkness. It's so rare and now it almost scares me, climbing up the stairs in the dark and settling into my matress after our little world has gone to bed, only to turn over and see the stars and feel moonlight. And from this... I tell you, I am not calm.

I think there is too much to anticipate. Too much to miss that I have left behind. Much much. I know that it is there because I cannot do the millions of tasks I have to do today before I leave for Minneapolis. Like fold the laundry, vacumn the car, make some cds, pack and say goodbye. I think I am nervous. I think that sometimes I don't want what I want. I think I miss chris and the kitties and being late for work and mid-afternoon chai. I really wish I knew what I wanted out of this life. And why I am paralzed with fear.

Something Tom said to me is growing like cancer in my brain. He told me not to let my new job get in the way of what I want to do. Ok, fine. I think that now, after these 6 months I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't know what will make me happy. When does just having a good job and adequate vaction become enough? At what point have you had enough failure to let the dream die and settle for the good job and the time to have "hobbies"? And then there is: What was I meant to do? What am I really good at? Who am I?

Sometimes I think that IF I just had someone to love, and someone who would be happy to love me back, I wouldn't need any more fulfillment out of life.

And sometimes I don't know whether or not to believe myself.